I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
