The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We just shotgunned beers for America
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
