this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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