wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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