New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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