Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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