If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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