I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
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