smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
