last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
