You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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