Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize