I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
