i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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