Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
