you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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