Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
