woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
