so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
