In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
