we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
A bitchslap is in order.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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