he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
