he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
