haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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