Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
