and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
