A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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