You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
