So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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