Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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