I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
