He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
