Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
