please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
