the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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