Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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