The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I wear drunk well.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
