i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
