May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
