I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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