I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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