So drunk its hurt
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
