can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
