apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
