You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
