Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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