the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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