Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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