OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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