I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
you had me at cake vodka
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
