How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
