So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize