I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Randomize
