When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
