Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
