90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I want you more than these girls want KFC
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
