I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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