Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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