and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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