you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
