i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
