you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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