The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Found the puke drawer
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
