Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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