Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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