Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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