Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
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