I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
