I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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