By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
