Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
